Category: Reflection

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I have a feeling…tonight’s the night

Today has been a day that I have not been particularly productive. I got up and went to check out a nearby farmers market. I bought carrots, tomatoes and eggs. I used the carrots, onion, chicken breast in a soup that I made in my new crockpot.

After the farmers market, I walked down the street to check out a new breakfast restaurant called Santa Clara’s. It was a wonderful bakery and good cheap eats. It took a while to get my food, but it was good. I then walked into town to pick up Amy’s house numbers and then returned home.

I worked on my new iPhone because it wasn’t syncing anymore and finally got that working. Hugo and his wife are here and they will be having people over for lunch on the roof today.

I got dressed and then walked to the gym. I did my 7 minute workout plus some weights and then came on home again. I rested and goofed around until about 6:00 debating whether to go out or not. I decided not. I need to remember why I’m here and what I’m supposed to be doing. Bars and restaurants are way too tempting and can quickly get me distracted, spending money and diluted. I don’t want any of those. I took a shower and from that point on…I began to feel the heaviness descend upon me.

I am trying to embrace the reality of my Dad’s situation and I realize that he will soon pass. I have been preparing for it and I thought I had everything under emotional control. But this dark heaviness is telling me that tonight is the night. That may or may not be the case…but the reality of that message really makes me sad. I don’t want to do anything. I am not hungry (partially because the soup sucked) and I don’t really want to watch a movie. I just want to hold onto… and be held by God. That is what I want. I want to be held in the arms of my Savior.

I’m not running from this reality, but I am trying to package it differently. The word death is not a great word and it carries with it a termination…not a continuation. I realize that this will be the termination of Dad’s time on earth…but the word death doesn’t point to his return to the presence of Christ.

I also don’t like the word passing, or passed away. That seems so fleeting and inconsequential. Dads life was anything but inconsequential. He made a ton of miscues…but he is a wonderful loving father. I am lucky to have him.

What I would prefer to call this transition is an event. It is an event where God comes to return my Dad into His presence. Think of that…God coming for you….

I remember playing football in High School and during some of my practices, right before wind sprints and the final hitting drills, I would look up to see my Dad entering the practice field. He was on his way home from work and he stopped off to watch me practice and then take me home. I remember that feeling and I think that is what is happening now. I like to think that God has come to take Dad “home.”

Dad was created into the presence of God and in 1924, he was “loaned” to Allen and Louise Cloyd to learn, teach, and experience all the joys and disappointments that living has to offer. Dad’s life was rich with experiences and he left his fingerprints on the lives of many others along the way. He was blessed with a long life and he used it to try to make others feel good around him.

I am sure that I contributed much worry and heartache to Dad’s life, but I think I also gave him some wonderful moments that made him proud. I am lucky to have been told many times how much I was loved by him and many times he expressed how proud he was of me. Dad was full of grace.

That is how I will remember him…full of forgiving grace.

So tonight as I fully immerse myself in the coming reality…and the pain it will bring…I delight in the fact that my Heavenly Father is coming to take my Dad home with him so there will be no more earthly pain and Dad will begin his new life, in a new body, surrounded by all those that have been called home before him.

I worship a wonderful and loving God and I thank him for the Grace that He has given my family and my Dad to be able to enjoy life together with him as we have done for so many years.

One thing my Dad always, said when we talked on the phone….right before we hung up…he would always say, “I check with ya later!”

Dad, I’m holding you to that promise!

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Unrealized Dreams…

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As I write this, I am sitting in Costa Rica on a mandatory “visa run” as they call it. I have to leave Guatemala every three months until I can apply for and get my work visa.

Anyway, learned a very important lesson yesterday that I only realized today as I wrote in my journal. The owner of the hotel told me about a hike that I should take where you walk up to an abandoned restaurant that was started and never completed and overlooks the entire coast and Jaco Beach. The hike would require me to walk about 5 miles from the hotel before I even reached the base of the trail. I had nothing but time…and decided to give it a try.

I left the hotel yesterday at about 8:30 am and headed down the hill to the main road that would lead me into the north side of Jaco Beach. I then turned south and continued through the center of town, walking by shops selling all types of souvenirs and restaurants selling every type of food imaginable. Continuing south I passed all types of tourists, locals, and surfer types.

By 10:30 am I was at the base of the trail where I inquired of two young women that appeared to be in their 20’s, with two (very loud) three-year-old children, if I was on the right trail. One of the girls said, “Sí, Arriba!” So, I began to “Arriba” up the trail.

The climb was a winding dirt road through a relatively dense amount of trees and foliage. I had been told I might see white-faced monkeys on the trail, so I was on the lookout for movement and sound of any type. The road kept going up and I came to a vista that offered me my first view of the Costa Rican coastline and Jaco Beach. Beautiful. Several more people soon arrived and not long afterward the two girls with the noisy kids passed and shouted to me, “keep going…there is more to see!” (Hold that thought…)

I responded I would and I let them get ahead of me on the trail before I continued up. I continued the ever-winding uphill climb, eyes peeled for monkeys, lizards, lions, tigers, bears, or dinosaurs of any type…nothing.

Finally the “up” gave way to a small path that led off the main path and deeper into the jungle. The remains of a concrete sidewalk with a beautiful Roman-style balustrade railing made of concrete led me deeper into the jungle. About 100 yards into the jungle, the path opens up to an expansive multi-level structure of tile floor and concrete columns and archways that all worked together to frame the view of the Costa Rican coastline and Jaco Beach. It was stunning…the view at least.

I didn’t think much about it then, but today as I reflected on it…I was greatly saddened by remembering my walk down that path and ultimately viewing the beginning of someone’s unrealized vision. I hope I never have to walk down such a path again…but I know I will. It’s heartbreaking.

Years ago someone had the vision to create a beautiful mountainside restaurant and for whatever reason…the obstacles they encountered proved overpowering and they abandoned their project and vision. What remained was overgrown, in disrepair, and had been taken over by “self-proclaimed graffiti artists”, in essence…it was ugly.

Today I thought about it and I think the same thing happens to all unrealized dreams…once abandoned…they no longer retain the brilliance of hope and the luster of possibility. Without constant monitoring and upkeep, they become ugly with regret and the roots of personal failure begin to take over.

It was a powerful lesson and one that empowers me to continue to try to bring the light of hope to the people I meet. There is power and life in hope, vision, and dreams and unfortunately, there is also the opposite once that light goes out…and I don’t want that to happen to anyone.

The path to our dreams is ALWAYS an uphill hike. It is ALWAYS going to be tough…“but keep going…there is (ALWAY) more to see” and the ultimate view is spectacular.

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UPDATE:

I’ve since learned that the reason the project was abandoned was that the owner passed away. This reinforces another very important aspect of not only creating a vision but sustaining that vision. Part of good leadership is planting your vision in the mind and hearts of others so that they too can participate in helping to make your vision a reality. Politicians do it, military leaders do it and so do all great leaders. You must GROW your vision in others!

Clearly, this important step was omitted in this particular case…and the results speak for themselves…tragic.

Don’t let it happen to you!

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Two are better than one…

The other day as we were building a stove for Doña Teresa, the tortilla lady, I happened to notice her clothesline. Like many, the line was full of freshly washed clothing, but what I noticed was there were no clothespins like what I’m used to seeing on a clothesline in the U.S. In this case, the clothesline was simply two cords that were wrapped around each other. The clothing was simply stuck between the two and supported by the tension they exerted to suspend the load…ingenious!

Then I started thinking about other things that work better when two things are working together. Certainly marriage and other relationships work best when the two individuals are working together and sharing the load. Also, companies and employees, parents and children, and all other groups of people work best when they are each pulling their own share of the weight.

As the clothesline demonstrated…there is not much need for anything else…just the two individuals, wrapped tightly in a relationship, each pulling their own share of the weight.

Amazing what I learn from laundry…

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I get it…finally…

Today we started another round of stove building for many of the families here in Las Anonas, Guatemala. Today, we started Berta Victor’s stove. She has two children, Oscar and Jacqueline. They are about 8 and 6 years old respectively if I were to guess. She lives in a home of corrugated metal scraps, a dirt floor, an outdoor bathroom, limited electricity all of which are pretty normal here.

Here is the photo of her “before” kitchen photo.

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I love doing this for many reasons. First of all, it allows me to stay for an extended period in their home. This allows me to get to know them and vice versa. I get to know their children, and they quickly become my friends, my helpers, and my shadow!

Also, I love working with Don Juan. We still have a large language gap between us, but we still manage just fine as we make jokes, laugh, and learn from each other. I also love watching how the women go about their day. Not to sound “creepy” or anything, I learn so much by observing how difficult it is for them to live. They leave each morning with their small children and a machete and they trek off into the woods to cut the day’s supply of firewood. Then they return home and begin to prepare meals. This usually involves starting a fire and boiling beans. Then comes time to do dishes and or laundry. It’s done outside using a concrete scrub board (pila), and they scrub! The water runs out on the ground, where the chickens or the ducks enjoy the refreshment.

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Today, I loved showing Don Juan many of the new tools that we were able to get by many generous donations. He was overjoyed! No more tape measures we can’t read, squares that aren’t square or levels that aren’t level. But I think the best thing was a headlamp that I bought him. We often work in very dark places and Don Juan honestly, just can’t see! I often had to use my phone and just hold it while he worked. But today, was different. After I had shown him how to use the headlamp, I demonstrated how he could adjust the light to shine of exactly where he was working, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him happier!

The other thing I loved about today was the kids. Oscar and Jacqueline were my constant companions. Jacqueline made fun of me most of the day because of my Spanish. I know I use the wrong tenses, I don’t conjugate my verbs correctly, and I probably sound to her like an infant…but that’s ok because she laughs at me!

Oscar, on the other hand, was seriously into what we were doing. He worked as hard as we did by cleaning tools, stacking, soaking bricks, and just watching every move we made. At one point I was cutting bricks with a grinder, and he was so close to me our heads were touching. I had my safety glasses on, and I gave a pair to Oscar to wear as well. He loved it. After each brick I would cut, he would grab the scrap and take it inside his house.

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However, the best part of today was at the end of the workday. We had mixed a little more concrete than we needed, so Don Juan told me to use it to fill a small dip in the dirt that led into their new cooking area. So, I prepared the concrete, dumped it, and before I could do anything else, little Oscar had grabbed a concrete hand float and was troweling the concrete to a beautiful finish! I was amazed and incredibly proud of him at the same time.

But I was also humbled…

Oscar demonstrated to me what the essence of this stove-building ministry SHOULD be about. It shouldn’t be about Bob getting to know and experience the daily life of Guatemalans. It should be about providing opportunities for Guatemalans to better their life! That could come in many forms. It could come from:

  1. Providing a stove that eliminates smoke as they cook.
  2. Providing a way to burn the wood they collect 66% more efficiently.
  3. Providing jobs for masons, like Don Juan.
  4. Providing training, hope, and igniting the flame of future possibilities in young men like little Oscar.

This ministry is not about Bob. It’s about Bob teeing up an opportunity, getting the right people in place, and then getting out of the way. That’s the model that will work…

I get it…finally…

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Where is your focus?

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I love having conversations.

It doesn’t matter with whom I’m speaking as long as at the end of the conversation…I feel better than I did when I started. Also, regarding “having a conversation”, I’m not referring to the “mindless chatter” that we all engage in every day. I’m talking about face-to-face, no cell phones, no time limit, no disruption types of conversations. It’s also a bonus if it includes an ice-cold beer or a great glass of wine!

However, what I’ve discovered is that these types of conversations are happening less and less. I hate to say it…but they are about as rare as an Indian head nickel.

Why is that?

I believe one of the reasons has to do with the distractions of the cell phone. I hate competing with a cell phone…and I usually lose that battle. It seems that the person on the other end of that electronic device is more important than me and as a result, I simply “flip the switch” in my mind and acquiesce the attention.

But I think the other reason “good conversations” are so rare is that what we choose to discuss. I believe there are three areas where our conversations tend to focus…the past, the present, or the future.

Conversations that are primarily about past events are called, “rearview mirror” conversations. They are focused on what someone did, or what happened. I dislike these for several reasons:

  1. One person does all the complaining (I mean talking).
  2. The person goes into all types of specifics that describe a series of events that can’t be changed or improved.
  3. They recount endless examples of shame, disappointment, and loss.
  4. I feel exhausted afterward.

Inversely, conversations that are focused primarily on peering into the future are dominated by taking something that has not yet happened and talking about it as it already has. I dislike these as well for similar reasons:

  1. They are marked with fear, feelings of “what if”, powerlessness and uncertainty.
  2. Again, one person does most of the talking and only wants you to validate their fears, actions, or choices.
  3. Future conversations are created and rehearsed; future dreams are challenged and rationalized as being not worth the pursuit and future fears are inflated to epic proportion.
  4. I feel frustrated afterward.

However, conversations that are focused primarily on the present are much more enjoyable for me. I like them for several reasons:

  1. They are focused on what people are “doing.” Doing is much more interesting than “did” and doing is more useful than “what if.”
  2. I love to hear what people are actually “doing.” Because they can relate what they are learning and what they are experiencing and I can usually learn something as well.
  3. Conversations that are centered on these subjects are engaging and energizing and are fun to share! I wish we had more of these!

So the next time you’re feeling exhausted…ask yourself how much time you have spent that day “looking in the rearview mirror.” Likewise, the next time your feel anxious or worried…ask yourself how much time you’ve spent living in the future.

Challenge yourself to stay in the present. Keep your focus here…and believe me…your friends will thank you for it!

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False Hope…

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Let me first go on record and say…I’m guilty…

I have learned many things since I’ve been here in Guatemala, both good and bad. Unfortunately, what is on my heart right now is not so good…but I have to somehow write about it so I can sort it out…

I believe the central motivating factor of my being here is to somehow…and in some way try to bring hope to these wonderful people. Hope for a better tomorrow. Hope for an opportunity to learn, to grow, and to experience new things previously unimagined. Hope that they will find a relationship with their Heavenly Father that knows them and loves them. I think about this every day and I try to exude the hope that sustains me… so maybe it might light the path for others.

But as simple as this may sound, the flame of hope can easily be snuffed out…very easily…as I have been guilty of… and as I have personally witnessed. Most of the time it comes in the form of something unintended and seemingly minor in nature…but it has devastating effects…an unkept promise by a visiting Westerner.

We routinely bring down people for short-term mission trips and we allow them to see the harsh reality that many of the people are living in…corrugated homes, dirt floors, smoke-filled indoor cooking areas, and more. Visitors from the West are very compassionate people and after seeing this over and over again, their hearts begin to break. They begin to seek answers to alleviate the problems they see…at least to some degree. This is good…we WANT people to understand how the majority of the world is living…but what also happens is what we don’t want…

A promise is made…

They may not see this as a promise or commitment, but those that are living in and with these conditions certainly do and they make note of it.

After several more days here, the visitor from the West will go home. They will get back into their routine of work, paying bills, and continuing their life. They will usually reflect on what they saw when they were here and how they felt…but as time goes on…these thoughts begin to fade and the promises they made are usually the first to go…but not here…not by those that heard it…they remember.

Then, as time goes on, the promises never materialize. What they heard was not true. What they hoped to believe…will never be…

This is what happens over and over again. This is the unintentional consequence of someone with a broken heart, creating false hope in others and the effects are devastating.

The Bible (Matthew 5:37) reminds us to let our “yes” mean yes and our “no” mean no. In essence, Matthew reminds us to say less and do more…but also do what we say.

I think many of us in the West have watered down the importance of doing what we say. Promises don’t really mean anything, commitments are broken, words are just words with no consequences. But even as I write these words…I know that this line of thinking is anything but true. Promises DO matter. Commitments ARE commitments. Words DO have consequences. They can build people up…or regretfully, tear people down.

Why don’t we simply do what we say? I think this one change in each of us would be one of the most significant changes we could make…for ourselves and all those around us. This is my prayer for each of us…that we would simply do what we say we are going to.

I know I’ve written about this site before, but it is so powerful I wanted to mention it again. It is called simply…” because I said I would…” You can learn about it here: http://becauseisaidiwould.com.

I still have hope. I still believe that regardless of what happens to people, with people or…because of people…we can still ignite the flame of hope in people and I will devote the rest of my life to doing just that…because without it…the world is a very, very dark place.

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Takeaways from my first month in Guatemala…

I don’t think I have ever had a more valuable month where I learned so much! I began the foundation of learning a new language, I learned about a new culture, I learned about myself and I learned about God and how He wants me to live in this life…all in a month!

I’ve already written about learning Spanish, but what I think my biggest takeaway from this month is my view on life. I have always been the “king of the to-do list.” I have regularly made lists for goals, lists for things to do, things to buy, things to learn, things to experience…and my “list” goes on and on…but I’ve learned something new. But ever since I’ve gotten here, my good friend Oscar has repeatedly told me two things…

  1. “Tranquilo” – which means… relax…which I’m getting better at…and…
  2. “Adjust the load…on the road.” This means….just get going….and adjust it if you need to…but get moving!

So during the past month, I have not written a list of any sort…and yet it has been the most productive month ever! Last weekend I took a trip to a beautiful lake about 3 hours away. The trip included a shuttle from my house to the lake, a boat tour of the lake visiting 3 lakeside villages, a hotel room, a shuttle to another town 2 hours away the following morning, and a shuttle back to Antigua…all for $50!

The thing I found fascinating was that all the travel company needed from me was my name and my money. There was a lot of coordination and many unknowns that I “could” have concerned myself with…but my attitude was simple…if something came up…I would deal with it then. But nothing did. It was a wonderful weekend and having this attitude opened me up to truly experiencing all of the beauty that I believe God wants me to experience.

In retrospect, I believe this is how God wants us to experience every day. It’s simple…but it took me a month of doing it to appreciate it.

Tranquilo and Adjust the load on the road…a great way to live.

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Seen and Unseen…

There are many things in this life that we can see…yet there are also things in this life that are unseen. However, that does not mean that they do not exist! For instance, we cannot see the wind, yet we can clearly see the affects of the wind during a storm.

The reason I bring this up is to remind me that for all the good that I am seeking in my work…I must be also reminded that there is just as much darkness that must be acknowledged. I need not be afraid…but I cannot ignore it either.

This became evident to me on recent trips to San Jose Pinula. On several occasions I have now seen what has become a “staple” in the town…and a very sad one at that. Oscar calls him “naked man” and rightly so. This man walks through the streets and among businesses totally naked. He is filthy dirty and constantly beats himself in the head. I am reminded of the story of Legion in Mark 5. A similar demon possessed man that Jesus casts his demons into a group of nearby pigs and they immediately drowned themselves in the lake. This man is much like that man…definitely demon possessed. Yet, he continues to roam the streets and people just get out of his way.

I have no idea why nobody does anything with him, but knowing my luck…one day I will come face to face with the man. I’m not looking forward to it…but I have a feeling it will happen. When it does, I am going to pray for him and demand the demon to come out of him. The Bible says we have the power to do so…and I believe what Jesus said…so stay tuned…

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So much for “self help”…

 Have you walked through the “self-help” section of Barnes & Noble lately? The shelves are overflowing with books that promise to cure, fix, eliminate and teach you just about anything that will bring you happiness, wisdom, riches, power, and anything else one could imagine.

So I was wondering…does “self-help” really work?

I’ve read many of these books and still do. Some are good but others only make me question and doubt myself even more. I sometimes end up feeling worse off than I did before I picked up the book.

A couple of months ago, I was helping my Mom do some home maintenance. She needed an overhead light installed above the sink in the kitchen. The box the fixture came in promised an easy installation and that I had everything I needed to do the job.

So I climbed up on the sink and began the process of measuring, drilling, pulling wires, and doing everything the directions required to ensure a successful installation.

Then I realized the problem…

I soon got to a point in the installation when I was trying to hold the light fixture in the correct position so that it is aligned with the pre-drilled holes and at the same time hold the screw, reach for the screwdriver that was down at my feet and to keep the wires hidden within the light fixture… I quickly realized…I either needed more hands or more help.

I think “self-help” is much like the box the light fixture came in. It made the promise of an “easy” installation and “no tools were necessary”. That may have been “possible” but it was certainly not to be easy.

What I really needed was some help. Someone to hold the light while I drilled or placed the screws into the fixture that would provide the required support. Having someone to help me would have made it a really easy installation. It probably would have even been enjoyable!

I think life is like that. I think we all need an extra pair of hands to assist us as we move through this life. Sometimes holding things…sometimes holding us.

So much for “self-help”.

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Margin

 Did you know 40% of any book is “white space” or margin?

You might think what a waste of space! But try reading a book without that white space, and you will begin to feel the heaviness of black ink as it creeps into your mind and begins to slow down your reading and comprehension. Our lives are much the same way.

Our souls crave white space. Downtime for our senses, just as the margin allows our eyes to rest on every page.

Our lives are filled with noise and clutter. We tend to both create and wear the badges of honor that cause us to believe that “more is better”. How much CAN I get done? How long is my “to-do list”. Go, go, go, do, do, do. How far will we push out the margins of our lives? Until the words run off the page and the letters fall into oblivion? Blackberries, emails, Twitter, Facebook, texting, and the “old school” phone calls. When is enough…enough?

  • When can I sit and be quiet?

  • When can I be alone with…myself?

  • What would I think about? What would I DO?

If you can’t answer these questions. Then these thoughts have been written for you. I beg you to give yourself the “gift” of doing nothing. Schedule it if you have to! But find the time in your week to simply…do….nothing.

Go sit in a park. Go to the woods. Get outside so the breeze can touch you once again…and you actually take notice. Listen to the sounds of the world. Listen to the sounds of “your head”. Allow them all to have a place.

Welcome back…to yourself…margin is a beautiful thing.