I love having conversations.

It doesn’t matter with whom I’m speaking as long as at the end of the conversation…I feel better than I did when I started. Also, regarding “having a conversation”, I’m not referring to the “mindless chatter” that we all engage in every day. I’m talking about face-to-face, no cell phones, no time limit, no disruption types of conversations. It’s also a bonus if it includes an ice-cold beer or a great glass of wine!

However, what I’ve discovered is that these types of conversations are happening less and less. I hate to say it…but they are about as rare as an Indian head nickel.

Why is that?

I believe one of the reasons has to do with the distractions of the cell phone. I hate competing with a cell phone…and I usually lose that battle. It seems that the person on the other end of that electronic device is more important than me and as a result, I simply “flip the switch” in my mind and acquiesce the attention.

But I think the other reason “good conversations” are so rare is that what we choose to discuss. I believe there are three areas where our conversations tend to focus…the past, the present, or the future.

Conversations that are primarily about past events are called, “rearview mirror” conversations. They are focused on what someone did, or what happened. I dislike these for several reasons:

1. One person does all the complaining (I mean talking).
2. The person goes into all types of specifics that describe a series of events that can’t be changed or improved.
3. They recount endless examples of shame, disappointment, and loss.
4. I feel exhausted afterward.

Inversely, conversations that are focused primarily on peering into the future are dominated by taking something that has not yet happened and talking about it as it already has. I dislike these as well for similar reasons:

1. They are marked with fear, feelings of “what if”, powerlessness and uncertainty.
2. Again, one person does most of the talking and only wants you to validate their fears, actions, or choices.
3. Future conversations are created and rehearsed; future dreams are challenged and rationalized as being not worth the pursuit and future fears are inflated to epic proportion.
4. I feel frustrated afterward.

However, conversations that are focused primarily on the present are much more enjoyable for me. I like them for several reasons:

1. They are focused on what people are “doing.” Doing is much more interesting than “did” and doing is more useful than “what if.”
2. I love to hear what people are actually “doing.” Because they can relate what they are learning and what they are experiencing and I can usually learn something as well.
3. Conversations that are centered on these subjects are engaging and energizing and are fun to share! I wish we had more of these!

So the next time you’re feeling exhausted…ask yourself how much time you have spent that day “looking in the rearview mirror.” Likewise, the next time your feel anxious or worried…ask yourself how much time you’ve spent living in the future.

Challenge yourself to stay in the present. Keep your focus here…and believe me…your friends will thank you for it!

I’ve already written about learning Spanish, but what I think my biggest takeaway from this month is my view on life. I have always been the “king of the to-do list.” I have regularly made lists for goals, lists for things to do, things to buy, things to learn, things to experience…and my “list” goes on and on…but I’ve learned something new. But ever since I’ve gotten here, my good friend Oscar has repeatedly told me two things…

1. “Tranquilo” – which means… relax…which I’m getting better at…and…
2. “Adjust the load…on the road.” This means….just get going….and adjust it if you need to…but get moving!

So during the past month, I have not written a list of any sort…and yet it has been the most productive month ever! Last weekend I took a trip to a beautiful lake about 3 hours away. The trip included a shuttle from my house to the lake, a boat tour of the lake visiting 3 lakeside villages, a hotel room, a shuttle to another town 2 hours away the following morning, and a shuttle back to Antigua…all for $50!

The thing I found fascinating was that all the travel company needed from me was my name and my money. There was a lot of coordination and many unknowns that I “could” have concerned myself with…but my attitude was simple…if something came up…I would deal with it then. But nothing did. It was a wonderful weekend and having this attitude opened me up to truly experiencing all of the beauty that I believe God wants me to experience.

In retrospect, I believe this is how God wants us to experience every day. It’s simple…but it took me a month of doing it to appreciate it.

Tranquilo and Adjust the load on the road…a great way to live.

 Have you walked through the “self-help” section of Barnes & Noble lately? The shelves are overflowing with books that promise to cure, fix, eliminate and teach you just about anything that will bring you happiness, wisdom, riches, power, and anything else one could imagine.

So I was wondering…does “self-help” really work?

I’ve read many of these books and still do. Some are good but others only make me question and doubt myself even more. I sometimes end up feeling worse off than I did before I picked up the book.

A couple of months ago, I was helping my Mom do some home maintenance. She needed an overhead light installed above the sink in the kitchen. The box the fixture came in promised an easy installation and that I had everything I needed to do the job.

So I climbed up on the sink and began the process of measuring, drilling, pulling wires, and doing everything the directions required to ensure a successful installation.

Then I realized the problem…

I soon got to a point in the installation when I was trying to hold the light fixture in the correct position so that it is aligned with the pre-drilled holes and at the same time hold the screw, reach for the screwdriver that was down at my feet and to keep the wires hidden within the light fixture… I quickly realized…I either needed more hands or more help.

I think “self-help” is much like the box the light fixture came in. It made the promise of an “easy” installation and “no tools were necessary”. That may have been “possible” but it was certainly not to be easy.

What I really needed was some help. Someone to hold the light while I drilled or placed the screws into the fixture that would provide the required support. Having someone to help me would have made it a really easy installation. It probably would have even been enjoyable!

I think life is like that. I think we all need an extra pair of hands to assist us as we move through this life. Sometimes holding things…sometimes holding us.

So much for “self-help”.

 Many Psychologists remind us that our beliefs influence our feelings, which govern our actions that lead to our results. Or to put it simply…what you believe…you become.

So, have you ever wondered what you believe?

Here are some of the things I believe:

1. All people are good…if you give them a chance.

2. God wants to express Himself through us…not only to us.

3. In “happily ever after.”

4. Men should always open doors and walk between a lady and traffic.

5. I don’t have all the answers.

6. We create our destiny.

7. If you keep your focus on God, the rest will take care of itself.

8. We don’t ask children good questions and therefore we don’t learn from them.

9. In good manners.

10. The Bible is the inspired word of God.

11. In friends and family.

12. If you want something in your life…give it first!

13. We take ourselves WAY too seriously!

14. That peace of mind is the most overlooked emotion.

15. Everything will work out.

I’m sure there are more things I could list, but you get the picture. My point in writing this list is that it makes me feel good. It makes sense to me. I believe it and it makes me feel like I’m on the right track as I try to navigate through my life. It may not apply to everyone…but it works for me.

I know other people whose lives always seemed to be filled with some type of drama or problem. They seem to be moving from one crisis to another and seem to enjoy involving as many people as they can in the perceived downward spiral of their life. They complain of always being stressed out, underappreciated or singled out for some reason.

So I wonder…what do they believe? Where is their focus? Where do they put their trust?

I know this is overly simplistic. But I think if we really look at our lives and commit ourselves to move away from things that cause our lives to be filled with turmoil and in turn begin to move towards thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs that give us a sense of peace…I’ll bet our circumstances would change.

My hope for all that read this is that you would make a list of what you believe. Then ask yourself…if having that belief makes you feel better or worse about your life. If the answer is better, great! If the answer is worse, then take it off your list and only focus on the good. Because what you believe…you become and believe me…in time you’ll be adding more good things to your list!

So I hope you actually do the list. It’s eye-opening!

If you feel like sharing, I would love to see it! Enjoy the process!

Peace! (seriously…!)

 Next time you are out in your car, begin to notice how many people are either talking on the cell phone or texting. It’s amazing!

While sitting at a red light recently, I counted ten cars that passed me and seven of those people were on the phone. So I began to wonder…what the heck is everyone talking about?

I also began to wonder if 70 percent of the people that I randomly viewed at an intersection were gabbing away on the phone, then it stands to reason that our generation is technically “communicating more”. Therefore, we should be able to see a direct correlation in the fact that if we are communicating more we should see a reduction in statistics that weigh heavily in areas where communication plays a significant role in the breakdown of a relational system like a marriage.

Well, drum roll, please… In the early 1980s two significant seemingly “unrelated things” happened:

A. First, in the early 1980s the first fully automatic cellular networks were introduced to the American consumer market.

B. Also in the early 1980s, the divorce rate for the US peaked at its highest mark ever at 5.3 per 1000.

Since then two things have happened.

1. Each year the cellular phone usage has continued to steadily rise to a point wherein 2009, 66% of the people in the United States have a cell phone. This is the highest level ever.

2. Each year since the introduction of the cell phone, the divorce rate in the United States has continued to decline. In 2009, 3.6 marriages per 1000 end in divorce; the lowest divorce rate in 37 years.

So what does that tell me? Well, for one thing, we all know where we are and where we’re supposed to be! That’s a good thing. Secondly, we’re always available. Whether we choose to “pick up or not” when the phone rings…we know it…and so does the person on the other end.

Finally, it just proves the fact that the more we communicate, the better off we are.

So here’s to the cell phone! May it strengthen the bonds of eternal matrimony! I just wish those bonds weren’t being strengthened when driving in front of me on the highway.

I think I speak for all of us when I say, “just get off the phone and drive!”

The greatest task for any person is to find meaning in his or her life. 

That meaning may come from work (doing something significant), in love (caring for another person), and in courage (exhibited during difficult times). 

 Things beyond your control can take away everything you have except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to a situation. 

 Life has meaning under any condition, even miserable ones. 

 Don’t aim at success – the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. 

 Success is like happiness, it cannot be pursued; it must come afterward and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one’s dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as a by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself. 

 Happiness and success must happen by not caring about them. 

 Do what your conscience commands you to do and then do it to the best of your knowledge. Then in the long run, success will follow you because you have forgotten to think about it. 

 Pleasure is a by-product and is destroyed and spoiled to the degree it is made the goal itself. 

 We as humans must have the dynamic tension that is created by the never-ending quest to be more than we are. 

 We must never arrive at the destination we desire, for then life will have no further purpose for us. 

 When we stop growing, we die.