Author: Bob Cloyd

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So much for “self help”…

 Have you walked through the “self-help” section of Barnes & Noble lately? The shelves are overflowing with books that promise to cure, fix, eliminate and teach you just about anything that will bring you happiness, wisdom, riches, power, and anything else one could imagine.

So I was wondering…does “self-help” really work?

I’ve read many of these books and still do. Some are good but others only make me question and doubt myself even more. I sometimes end up feeling worse off than I did before I picked up the book.

A couple of months ago, I was helping my Mom do some home maintenance. She needed an overhead light installed above the sink in the kitchen. The box the fixture came in promised an easy installation and that I had everything I needed to do the job.

So I climbed up on the sink and began the process of measuring, drilling, pulling wires, and doing everything the directions required to ensure a successful installation.

Then I realized the problem…

I soon got to a point in the installation when I was trying to hold the light fixture in the correct position so that it is aligned with the pre-drilled holes and at the same time hold the screw, reach for the screwdriver that was down at my feet and to keep the wires hidden within the light fixture… I quickly realized…I either needed more hands or more help.

I think “self-help” is much like the box the light fixture came in. It made the promise of an “easy” installation and “no tools were necessary”. That may have been “possible” but it was certainly not to be easy.

What I really needed was some help. Someone to hold the light while I drilled or placed the screws into the fixture that would provide the required support. Having someone to help me would have made it a really easy installation. It probably would have even been enjoyable!

I think life is like that. I think we all need an extra pair of hands to assist us as we move through this life. Sometimes holding things…sometimes holding us.

So much for “self-help”.

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Margin

 Did you know 40% of any book is “white space” or margin?

You might think what a waste of space! But try reading a book without that white space, and you will begin to feel the heaviness of black ink as it creeps into your mind and begins to slow down your reading and comprehension. Our lives are much the same way.

Our souls crave white space. Downtime for our senses, just as the margin allows our eyes to rest on every page.

Our lives are filled with noise and clutter. We tend to both create and wear the badges of honor that cause us to believe that “more is better”. How much CAN I get done? How long is my “to-do list”. Go, go, go, do, do, do. How far will we push out the margins of our lives? Until the words run off the page and the letters fall into oblivion? Blackberries, emails, Twitter, Facebook, texting, and the “old school” phone calls. When is enough…enough?

  • When can I sit and be quiet?

  • When can I be alone with…myself?

  • What would I think about? What would I DO?

If you can’t answer these questions. Then these thoughts have been written for you. I beg you to give yourself the “gift” of doing nothing. Schedule it if you have to! But find the time in your week to simply…do….nothing.

Go sit in a park. Go to the woods. Get outside so the breeze can touch you once again…and you actually take notice. Listen to the sounds of the world. Listen to the sounds of “your head”. Allow them all to have a place.

Welcome back…to yourself…margin is a beautiful thing.

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Mothballs…

 I recently took my favorite wool navy blue suit out of the closet. I was going to have it cleaned so I could wear it to a special function I have coming up in the next couple of weeks. It had been hanging unused in my closet for the past two years. It was my favorite YSL suit and I looked good in it!

As I was getting it ready to go to the dry cleaners, I noticed a small white spot on one of the shoulders. Upon closer inspection, I noticed more and more white spots in various locations all over my prized suit. It didn’t take me long to realize that my favorite suit had been eaten by moths! Ruined, because I hadn’t worn it so long. I was heartbroken.

Then I started thinking…

I wonder if God feels the same way with us?

God has gifted each of us in a unique and special way! We each have talents that we love to do and we do them naturally and we do them well. I’ll bet that each of us has a talent that other people have commented on in the past. I’ll bet each of us has heard someone comment, “Wow, I love the way you….” and we usually dismiss the comment as ” they are just being nice” and we move on. For a wide variety of reasons, we fail to spend the time to develop these gifts and we spend all our time chasing the dreams of others.

John Ortberg writes about how each of us approaches the use or non-use of the gifts we receive in his book, Before you can walk on water, you need to get out of the boat. He writes.

“Anytime a gift is given, the recipient must choose to respond in one of two ways. The first way says, “This gift is so valuable it can’t be risked.” They realize that when they bring their gift out of the box and into the open, things may not go well. The gift may be poorly used. Others may not always admire it the way we want. It may even get broken. Taking the gift out of the box is always a risk.

The second way says, “This gift is so valuable it must be risked.” They understand that if the gift is not brought out of the box, it will never be used at all. To leave the gift in the box is to thwart the desire of the giver. There is no tragedy like the tragedy of the unopened gift.

Along with the gift you have been given a choice – whether or not you will open and use it or not.”

So let me ask all of us…where are your gifts?

Do you know what they are?

Are you using them in every aspect of your life?

I believe that at the end of our life, we will come face to face with God. At that meeting, he will ask us two questions.

One of those questions will be: “What did you do with the gifts that I gave you?”

Think about that… I hope you don’t say…” the moths ate them.”

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World Domination Summit

I’ve just returned from a long weekend in Portland where I attended the very first “World Domination Summit”. Now it’s not what you’re thinking…I’m not stockpiling weapons in my house and wearing camouflage every day. What it was, was a gathering of 500 creative, energetic, and eternally hopeful people of all ages, races, and backgrounds from all over the world… all with one common belief…

“I can create the life I want to live.”

The gathering began on a Friday evening and ended on Monday and was the brainchild of the soft-spoken author, blogger, world traveler, and life changer Chris Guillebeau. Chris is the author of the book, The Art of Non-Conformity. I’m not going to go into the premise of the book, because if you’re interested…you’ll find it.

I’m also not going to give you a debrief of how amazing the weekend was. Here again, if you’re interested you can read about it by searching: World Domination Summit 2011

But what I would like to note are several things that I learned about myself over the weekend. They were not really apparent then…but in the aftermath and reflection of the weekend, I can see them quite clearly. They seem simple, but I believe their impact can be quite significant.

Here are my 3 takeaways from the weekend and how they fit into my life.

1. Anything that is good for us…is above us or “uphill” so to speak. Think about it. Is anything in your life that is good for you really easy? Can you achieve it by “doing nothing”? It seems that everything that is good for me is going to require some effort. So in order to achieve it…we are going to have to climb. Climbing is tough. It requires exertion, effort, and discipline. Yet, as we continue to climb…the view gets progressively more beautiful. Life is difficult. Make sure you are always pointed uphill.

2. Like attracts Like. Spending a long weekend immersed in a sea of people that were each creating their own path in life was encouraging, refreshing, and energizing. One person I met explained it this way; he said that there was a frequency that attracted all these people. I liked that because it’s true. So it is with our lives. We need to surround ourselves with people that are tuned to the same frequency as we are. We need these people to “get us”, encourage us, and hold us accountable for the things we want to create in our lives.

3. I’m re-branding the “3-second rule”. We are all aware of the “3-second rule” when we drop food on the floor right? Well, I’m finding a new use for it. You see, I can sometimes be a procrastinator. I can research things, plan, strategize and spend countless hours preparing for an action…only to never take the ACTION. It’s not intentional…it’s just what I do.

So, what I’ve come to learn about successful people is that they ACT FIRST and figure it out as they go!

When I was at the conference in Portland, I would see someone interesting that I wanted to meet and I forced myself to approach them within 3 seconds of that thought. I didn’t overthink what I would say, what they would say in response, and all that jazz…I just acted.

Since I’ve returned, I’ve put this into practice at work as well. If I think of a person I need to call…3 seconds…bam…I’m dialing the number. Email I need to write…bam. At the very least, I am taking action towards the result I want…not creating a “plan”. So far so good. This may have some merit!

I’ll be the first to say that I don’t have it all figured out. But what I can say is that taking the time out of my life to get out of my comfort zone and into a mix of people that are “doing life” differently was an amazing use of my time. It gives me hope. It tells me that in these times of uncertainty, people are no longer finding comfort in conformance…it fact it’s quite the opposite.

Keeping up with the Jones has finally run its course. It’s time to create, to live, to dream, and to act, and to live the life you want rather than just dreaming or making excuses about it.

My heartfelt thanks go out to Chris and all the volunteers and attendees at the 2011 World Domination Summit. You are definitely world changers. I thank each of you for making your way to Portland and through a life that you are in the process of creating. See you all next year and in the meantime…. let me know where can I get some cool camouflage shorts!

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The Value of Belief…

 Many Psychologists remind us that our beliefs influence our feelings, which govern our actions that lead to our results. Or to put it simply…what you believe…you become.

So, have you ever wondered what you believe?

Here are some of the things I believe:

  1. All people are good…if you give them a chance.

  2. God wants to express Himself through us…not only to us.

  3. In “happily ever after.”

  4. Men should always open doors and walk between a lady and traffic.

  5. I don’t have all the answers.

  6. We create our destiny.

  7. If you keep your focus on God, the rest will take care of itself.

  8. We don’t ask children good questions and therefore we don’t learn from them.

  9. In good manners.

  10. The Bible is the inspired word of God.

  11. In friends and family.

  12. If you want something in your life…give it first!

  13. We take ourselves WAY too seriously!

  14. That peace of mind is the most overlooked emotion.

  15. Everything will work out.

I’m sure there are more things I could list, but you get the picture. My point in writing this list is that it makes me feel good. It makes sense to me. I believe it and it makes me feel like I’m on the right track as I try to navigate through my life. It may not apply to everyone…but it works for me.

I know other people whose lives always seemed to be filled with some type of drama or problem. They seem to be moving from one crisis to another and seem to enjoy involving as many people as they can in the perceived downward spiral of their life. They complain of always being stressed out, underappreciated or singled out for some reason.

So I wonder…what do they believe? Where is their focus? Where do they put their trust?

I know this is overly simplistic. But I think if we really look at our lives and commit ourselves to move away from things that cause our lives to be filled with turmoil and in turn begin to move towards thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs that give us a sense of peace…I’ll bet our circumstances would change.

My hope for all that read this is that you would make a list of what you believe. Then ask yourself…if having that belief makes you feel better or worse about your life. If the answer is better, great! If the answer is worse, then take it off your list and only focus on the good. Because what you believe…you become and believe me…in time you’ll be adding more good things to your list!

So I hope you actually do the list. It’s eye-opening!

If you feel like sharing, I would love to see it! Enjoy the process!

Peace! (seriously…!)

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Cell phones and divorce

 Next time you are out in your car, begin to notice how many people are either talking on the cell phone or texting. It’s amazing!

While sitting at a red light recently, I counted ten cars that passed me and seven of those people were on the phone. So I began to wonder…what the heck is everyone talking about?

I also began to wonder if 70 percent of the people that I randomly viewed at an intersection were gabbing away on the phone, then it stands to reason that our generation is technically “communicating more”. Therefore, we should be able to see a direct correlation in the fact that if we are communicating more we should see a reduction in statistics that weigh heavily in areas where communication plays a significant role in the breakdown of a relational system like a marriage.

Well, drum roll, please… In the early 1980s two significant seemingly “unrelated things” happened:

A. First, in the early 1980s the first fully automatic cellular networks were introduced to the American consumer market.

B. Also in the early 1980s, the divorce rate for the US peaked at its highest mark ever at 5.3 per 1000.

Since then two things have happened.

1. Each year the cellular phone usage has continued to steadily rise to a point wherein 2009, 66% of the people in the United States have a cell phone. This is the highest level ever.

2. Each year since the introduction of the cell phone, the divorce rate in the United States has continued to decline. In 2009, 3.6 marriages per 1000 end in divorce; the lowest divorce rate in 37 years.

So what does that tell me? Well, for one thing, we all know where we are and where we’re supposed to be! That’s a good thing. Secondly, we’re always available. Whether we choose to “pick up or not” when the phone rings…we know it…and so does the person on the other end.

Finally, it just proves the fact that the more we communicate, the better off we are.

So here’s to the cell phone! May it strengthen the bonds of eternal matrimony! I just wish those bonds weren’t being strengthened when driving in front of me on the highway.

I think I speak for all of us when I say, “just get off the phone and drive!”

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A Tribute to Bob Lucas

I just finished reading a book by Andy Andrews called The Noticer. I believe it is based on a true story about the early years of Andy’s life. You see, Andy lost both his parents at an early age. As time went on and through a number of bad decisions, he soon found himself homeless and living under a pier in the seaside town of Orange Beach, Alabama.

Andy, being caught up in his own life and full of self-pity wondered to himself if life were just on a big lottery ticket. He wondered if some people just got all the breaks and others, well…just didn’t.

Then one day a man named Jones appeared under the pier. Jones calls himself a Noticer. Jones shared with Andy that in times of trouble in our lives, we are looking for answers. Sometimes the answers are simply not available. Therefore, what we need to do is to change our perspective. A change in perspective allows us to see things differently. In doing this, we notice things that we had previously overlooked, and many times in that new view…we find our answers.

I recently lost my stepfather, Bob Lucas to melanoma. So, like many of my family, I’m hurting. I’m wondering how I am going to fill that big gap in my life Bob used to occupy. I’m worried about how my Mom is going to get along. I’m looking for answers that will lead me away from this hurt…and I can’t seem to find any.

So I thought I might try to do what Jones shared with Andy…to try to change my perspective. I thought I might step back a moment and look at the situation in a different way.

So I wondered, “What if God gave us a gift in Bob Lucas?”

I looked at all the different aspects of Bob’s life from this new perspective and this is what I realized…

Connection – At Bob’s memorial service and standing in front of a church full of family and friends, I witnessed the result of the connections Bob had made in his life. By doing something very simple, yet profound, Bob found a way of connecting each of us to not only him but to each other. The only reason we were all gathered there at that moment was due to a very personal connection that was made at some point in time between Bob and each individual in that church. He had impacted each of us in a unique and personal way.

Father – Bob gave the world three amazing children that have each grown to affect the lives of countless others by mirroring the aspects he exhibited as a father.

Husband – Bob loved my Mom. We all got to share in that love. Every morning of their 33 years together began the same way. With Bob asking my Mom over breakfast, “what can I do for you today”? Many times this request was made after Bob had gone out in the backyard and picked a new blossom from one of the many hibiscus trees that he tended.

Son in Law – Bob loved my Mom’s parents. Nana and Big Jim were lovingly woven into Bob’s character and heart. I don’t ever remember a day that Bob didn’t share a story or quote from my grandparents that were relevant to a situation we were currently experiencing. As I was going through all of our family photos from over the years, it reminded me of all the times that Bob was there for them. He and Mom would make countless trips to Naples, FL, and to Radford, VA to help, visit and celebrate the lives of my grandparents.

Man – Bob was a man’s man. He worked hard. He retired from the telephone company in Radford, VA. He was a diehard Virginia Tech Hokie fan. He was an avid golfer and loved good competition.

Lover of Animals – Boom, Cali, Sallie were all pets that Bob gave his love to. There is a quote I read somewhere that stated that there is a part of every person’s soul that can only be unlocked by loving an animal. Bob loved all animals and it pained him tremendously when anyone would harm a little one.

Lover of Nature – Springtime, birds, squirrels, hawks, and rabbits were all friends of Bob. He loved to care for all the creatures in his backyard. He fed them each day and knew the daily habits of each one and loved to share their stories.

Lover of God – Bob did not overtly express his religious views. However, he had a deep love for God. He showed this love by actively loving and tending to God’s creations and gifts. He was also a fan of Dr. Charles Stanley and would slip off into his room to quietly watch his program each Sunday morning.

So, looking at Bob’s life from the perspective of a gift that God gave us actually allows me to see things differently.

Through Bob, my family and our friends were able to experience directly, how to live our lives. Bob was a role model of a Father, Husband, Friend, and Man. I got to see it and experience it first hand. What a gift!

While each of us is burdened with questions of what we will become in life, what are we doing with our lives, what will leave behind in our lives, and what our legacy should be in life. Maybe we need to thank God for allowing us to get to know His gift to us in Bob Lucas. For through his life and his way of living…he has shown us the way to live our lives.

Bob’s life was a gift. I thank God for that. I have been given a personal example of how I should live my life. A life of service to others. A life of loving and giving of self. A life of loving all that God has created. Thank you, God.

There is no doubt that when God received Bob back into His care, Bob heard the words that all of us long to hear at the end of our lives…

Well done…good and faithful servant. What a gift!

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Colors…

 I recently celebrated a significant day in my life…my 50th birthday. Now many people celebrate this day surrounded by friends and families all bearing “over the hill” cards and gag gifts, black balloons, and streamers. It has become the realization that one has reached the pinnacle of your life’s achievement and now begins the slow descent into retirement.

Like I said, on this day of celebration, I chose to mark it as a day of decision. It was to become a day beginning, a fork in the road that I had been standing and contemplating for far too long.

You see, I look at each of us like a box of crayons. God gave us each multiple colors that we are to utilize to color our worlds with our lives. Some people are blessed with the 8 pack, some with the 16 pack, and some people got the 64 pack with the built-in sharpener in the box. But each of us has been gifted by God with unique skills, talents, abilities, and desires that have been placed within our hearts. It is by unlocking and utilizing these gifts that our world is uniquely colored.

You see, for more than half of my life, I’ve been using one maybe two of my colors. My choice of study in college was made haphazardly and through sheer will and determination, I managed to graduate with a degree in the field of my choice. Then I followed it up with 30 years of varying degrees of the same type of work. While I managed to be promoted through the ranks, the view from the top of my ladder was nothing like I expected or actually wanted. I had achieved, but I was not fulfilled. I had created a career by default…not by design.

So again, on this special day…I have climbed down the ladder. I am picking up all of my colors. Ironically, many still have the sharpened tips that remind me not that I have failed to use them…but excite me because of the untapped potential that they are now making themselves available to me. I also am reminded of the one or two colors that are mere knubs. They have been worn down and overused. The paper barely remains on one of the knubs. I respect them for their gifts of bringing me to this moment in my life and providing for me a small nest egg to which I may begin…again.

So yes, my 50th birthday was just that. A celebration of a “new birth”. A new day that will allow me finally begin to use many if not all of my colors. I’m excited about the painting that my life will bring to this world and at this point, I don’t know exactly what that will look like…but I can promise one thing…it’s going to be colorful!

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Highway Relationships…a thing of the passing lane

 Recently, I have been spending a lot of time on the interstate between Atlanta and South Carolina. The six-hour ride has become rather routine and I actually enjoy the solitude of the journey. One thing that I have noticed is how easily Highway Relationships can be formed. Now I don’t mean a relationship in the literal sense, but I’ll bet we’ve all been a part of them, either knowingly or not.

Here’s how one of mine recently transpired. I’m cruising along on I-20 eastbound making my way towards my first trip marker, Augusta, and I happen to notice a late modeled blue Honda passing me. I look over, as is customary for both truckers and other people that spend many hours on the road, to see a nondescript woman about my age navigating her way down the highway totally oblivious to my “trucker glance”. She passes me quickly and then settles back into the right-hand lane at a comfortable distance ahead.

As we both make our way down the interstate, I’m noticing things about her car that cause me to know more about her. The make and model of her car reveal to me that she is more concerned about value than status. Also, the color of the car tells me she is stylish but does not like to be the center of attention. Her license plate has a reference to the North Carolina Tar Heels, so I make up a story that she came from a well-to-do family and now works for a pharmaceutical company and is currently traveling throughout her region.

I am first made aware of our “relationship” as we begin to mirror each other’s driving preferences. We drive at precisely the same speed. We choose to pass cars at precisely the exact same time. We share the lead equally as we continue down the road going just under the speed limit we hope the State Troopers have set their radar guns on. I even begin to feel her frustration as she is forced to pass a car on the right side because they are driving too slowly in the passing lane. As we continue this highway dance, the miles quickly fall behind us and I find myself actually “looking out after her”. For instance, I’ll pull out into the passing lane to box off another car so that she can pull out to pass as well and not get caught up behind the slow truck or car driving in the right-hand lane. When she does get caught up behind a slow car as I am forced to pass her along with the line of the faster cars streaming by, I am soon comforted by her coming up behind me and settling in comfortably either ahead or behind me. It’s all part of the relationship. It’s what you do for each other. We are on this journey together and we are going to look out for each other. Life on the road is good…

Then, at some point during the journey, the unexpected happens. For some reason, things change. Our comfortable cruising speeds now are not the same. She is either driving much slower than before or has chosen to throw caution to the wind and kick it up several clicks. Our flow has now become disrupted. Why? What happened? Everything was going so nicely? I feel the inevitable coming and I dread it. We will not continue. No more dance, no more blocking, no more miles together. I feel the pain of our parting as I either pass her for what I know will be the last time, or I watch her speed off ahead of me over a distant hill. Or even worse, she chooses to exit the highway. Our dance has ended.

I began to think about all that we went through. All the miles, blocking for each other, sharing the lead, enjoying life at our own comfortable pace. Each of us respects the journey of the other, all the while never losing sight of each other. Now it was just me again. Trying to “make good time” on a trip where time is really not important at all.

Hmm. These thoughts sounded all too familiar. Sometimes life’s lessons will pop up in the strangest places. I began to think about my own failed relationships of the past. I began to question whether I navigated through them with the same effort and care as I had exerted for a complete stranger. It would be something that I would make sure I would attend to in the future if I were to be so fortunate.

These thoughts lingered with me for several moments as I settled back and refocused my thoughts on making sure I didn’t get stuck behind that slow truck way up ahead.

Then as I looked in my rearview mirror and I saw a silver Volvo approaching…

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The Meaning of Life…

The greatest task for any person is to find meaning in his or her life. 

That meaning may come from work (doing something significant), in love (caring for another person), and in courage (exhibited during difficult times). 

 Things beyond your control can take away everything you have except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to a situation. 

 Life has meaning under any condition, even miserable ones. 

 Don’t aim at success – the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. 

 Success is like happiness, it cannot be pursued; it must come afterward and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one’s dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as a by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself. 

 Happiness and success must happen by not caring about them. 

 Do what your conscience commands you to do and then do it to the best of your knowledge. Then in the long run, success will follow you because you have forgotten to think about it. 

 Pleasure is a by-product and is destroyed and spoiled to the degree it is made the goal itself. 

 We as humans must have the dynamic tension that is created by the never-ending quest to be more than we are. 

 We must never arrive at the destination we desire, for then life will have no further purpose for us. 

 When we stop growing, we die.